A statue of our Lord Jesus Christ welcomes with open arms visitors to St. Mary’s Parish in Pompton Lakes and the new More Than Ever ministry, which meets once a month.
St. Mary’s of Pompton Lakes parishioner Veronica Picone brought the topic of estrangement to her new parish for a very good reason. It is a subject she is familiar with.
Picone is estranged from her two daughters and her grandchildren, with whom she was very involved.
Picone said, “There are many kinds of estrangement. The group that I started at St. Mary's was specifically for grandparents, but then included parents because being estranged from grandchildren also includes being estranged from your adult children.”
The More Than Ever group meets once a month for two hours.
St. Mary’s was open to Picone’s group idea. She said, “The parish made it very welcoming. They gave me the use of the room and believed in the need for this ministry. Then I spent a couple of months writing up a curriculum about everything I had learned and could bring to the meetings. We started out with two members, and now we have 14 members, which means 14 families that are affected by estrangement just in the immediate area of St. Mary’s.”
Picone is also the author of “Tesoro: The Treasured Life of a Discarded Daughter,” which details how her mother excluded her from her family for 30 years. Well received, it was nominated for the Kirkus Book of the Year. She is also a semi-retired practicing family therapist.
Picone faced her second estrangement during the 2020 pandemic, this time from her daughters. In terrible heartbreak, the only resources she found were a few books on the subject, particularly one by Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., titled “Rules of Estrangement.” No support groups were available, except one in Brooklyn, which was not holding meetings because of COVID. Later, when Coleman offered professional training on treating estrangement in families, she completed the certification. It was then she decided to start her own group and looked to St. Mary’s.
Prayer is a central part of every More Than Ever meeting, as is education. Picone says, “I decided intentionally that this ministry would have to include educational issues, too, because the pain of estrangement leaves people desperate for answers. When it first happened to me, I was lost. I did not know what was going on. I had no idea there was some science behind it. Numerous sociological studies have been done, and estrangement is beginning to get the attention it deserves as an urgent family and societal problem. Today, one in four families in the United States experience an estrangement. That is where Dr. Coleman's work has been very, very helpful.”
Meetings are divided into two halves. Topics discussed during the first hour include what estrangement is and what causes it; mistakes that parents make; kinds of grief; forgiveness of oneself and forgiveness of the other; grandparenting when estranged; reconciliation; and how to proceed with your life while estranged. After a break, Picone suggests spiritual prompts for group discussion and journaling. Members share responses if they wish.
The aim of More Than Ever is to rebuild a sense of belonging at a time when connections are shattered, to rebuild a caring and supportive community, and to practice self-care. Meetings close with prayer and contemplation and confidentiality is carefully guarded. Picone has discovered that, based on the growing need for the group, she may have to form a second one.
She said, “It is not a surprise that every single person I have ever spoken to about estrangement will relate to me that they have had a family member or event in the family unit that has led to estrangement.”
To learn more, contact the parish.